I got big cheeks I cannot lie
You other mothers can't deny
When a kid walks in with an itty bitty head and round things in your face...you get sprung

-Sir Eatsalot

Until then, we hope that you always feel unbelievably loved and blessed. We hope that you carry this with you every day of your life, in both joyous and trying moments. And we hope that you live your life following what feels true and right for you. Hopefully we'll do a decent job in helping to foster your inner compass and knowing.

We love you unconditionally.

Mom & Dad

I'm in the middle of a job search and am reading a book I find extremely helpful and inspiring. The problem is that I can't sit still after reading each chapter. Well, I guess it's not entirely a "problem." It's full of ideas which then spark more ideas which then ignite this urgent desire for action on my part.

But then at some point the inspiration turns into overwhelm. The ideas are whirling all around me and I'm not sure where to start or how to begin. I even began making a checklist, breaking down each of the ideas into small, manageable pieces. But now my list is pages long and again, where to start and how to begin?

I definitely have perfectionist tendencies, you think? I rarely want to begin something until it's absolutely perfect, regardless of whether we're talking about the new version of my resume or even developing my checklist. A wise person once told me, that "imperfect action is better than no action." And most often than not, the course becomes much more clear once you put the pen to paper...or your fingers on a keyboard.

Courtesy of blumpy on Flickr

So after a bit of overwhelm, I decided to do one thing that helps me center...read. And soon after, I began to relax, breathe more slowly and remember that the items on the checklist don't have to be checked off all at once. And, the checklist doesn't have to be created and finalized all in one day. Remembering that prioritizing can be done and that "progress, not perfection" (Gabrielle Bernstein) can always be made.

Because of that, this blog post became a satisfying check mark on my list.

Is this an experience you relate to in any part of your life? Thoughts, questions, comments? I’d love to hear how this article landed for you.

Obviously sleep, diet and exercise have a lot to do with how well I function each day, but so does my emotional health. And all this judging wasn’t helping any. So let’s add meditation, journaling and a gratitude journal to the mix. Which is exactly what I decided to do.

It was during my meditation that I noticed The Voice, and how I was wronging my sleep habits. Why do I still feel groggy after this much sleep? What is wrong with me? How am I supposed to wake up in the mornings when I begin working full time again? How am I supposed to function all day at work with my sleep habits out of whack?

Talk about The Voice hijacking a potentially peaceful and pleasant morning and turning it into the very thing it says it’s trying to prevent? How could one function well throughout the day with this kind of chatter going on?!

How would one begin to notice what is and isn’t working with all this noise? How would one make room for inquiry, understanding and modification if she’s always first met with judgment? How would one have room to explore herself and her needs if they are always wronged?

My sleep habits may not meet my near future needs as well as I’d like, but they are not wrong. And why set myself up to freak out about something that hasn’t even happened yet? After all the things I’ve addressed in my life, what makes me think I can’t listen to my needs and adjust accordingly when the time comes?

Sadly, I don’t think I always trust myself. And how can I begin to develop a self-trusting relationship if the first step in my process is to freak out, judge and try to change? Instead of learning about my needs, I tried to apply a diet, if you will, to fix my sleep habits.

This is my ingrained or conditioned response to fear. When I begin to feel scared or worried about something, I judge the status quo. When I don’t have enough trust developed in my ability to pay attention to my needs and meet them, I wrong myself. I see that The Voice is trying to protect me. But in doing so, it’s creating another issue I need to deal with – its negative talk. 

Is this an experience you relate to in any part of your life? Thoughts, questions, comments? I’d love to hear how this article landed for you.

I’m occasionally triggered by a glimpse of my old work self – what The Voice calls “the me” that resided in the corporate world two plus years ago. The Voice – my inner critic, internalized parent or authority figure – that Geneen Roth refers to in Women Food And God judges this old work self harshly. Embarrassed, it suggests that she spoke up too much, didn’t speak up enough, made too many mistakes, procrastinated, didn’t appreciate things enough, didn’t deserve a raise or promotion, was burnt out and jaded.

The Voice doesn’t accept the successes, late nights, sacrifices, hard work, impactful work, connections made and the trust built. It wants me to prove to myself that no remnants of the old, flawed me remain. That I’ve grown up; I’ve changed. And this requires cutting off this old me. Wronging everything I did and was, and starting fresh so that my new work self is able to emerge.

Courtesy of woodleywonderworks on FlickrThe new work self has all the elements of the ideal employee and worker. She is always sharp, intuitive, works smart, does great work, grateful for the opportunities she is given, team player, easily builds strong bonds and is reliable and trustworthy. When triggered, I accept this harsh voice and unreachable standard as my own. 

The Voice’s Job

“My job is here to judge, scrutinize and criticize until you get it right,” it says to me. It’s here to help me survive in an environment that I found overwhelming at times. It’s here to protect me from others who will judge, scrutinize and criticize. From those who never see the relationship between mistakes and successes.

In very simplistic terms, I had two camps of old bosses and supervisors in the past. Those who have inherent trust in others and those who don’t. Those who take “the bad” with the good, or those who only see good or bad.

From the trusters, I got the openness and acceptance I needed to be the real, honest, flawed, beautiful, whole me, full of strengths and weaknesses. I got the green light I needed to know it was ok to bring all of me to the table.

The distrusters or perfectionists probably hated themselves more than hated me or anyone who showed sensitivity or “weakness.” But under extreme stress, I succumbed to their standards of how I should be, think and act. While they wanted to take away my power to feed their own weak self-image, I often gave it up. I defined myself through their eyes. Well, my inner critic did.

Courtesy of Josepher on FlickrThe Argument For “Mistakes”

When objective, many of us realize that “mistakes” are inevitable and even necessary for growth. When I don’t show the whole of me I feel like a farce, a phony, that I’ll be exposed for the weak, imperfect, broken, flawed person that I am. And while trying to hide the worst of me, I also hide the best of me – my ideas, honesty, realness, resourcefulness, etc.

How would my new co-workers appreciate my strengths without seeing my weaknesses? How would they learn to understand when my weaknesses tend to surface if I can’t offer this to myself? How will they (I) know that I’m capable of growing from challenges if I don’t allow these situations to unfold and move through them?

Shining Light On The Voice

Maybe hiding the best of me was also my way of protecting myself? Maybe it was my way of coping with the stress? Maybe I wanted to protect the “good” parts of me that I didn’t want them to touch, to contaminate? Maybe I was protecting me from my own voice? And this was the only way I knew how at the time.

And when I feel triggered, it's a sign that I still worry about succumbing to the box others want me to fit into, the neat little picture of who The Voice thinks I should be. I don’t want to adopt some new perfectionist version of me – the new work self – to replace the old work self because this is the new standard I should be following. The old one didn’t work, but this new one is sure to; it’s fool proof.

Courtesy of zteamie on FlickrEmbracing Wholeness

Regardless of whether I’m at work, at home or with friends, I want to accept all of me. If I tried to be perfect all the time in my marriage, Ted would never see who I really am. I’d never feel fully loved, exposing only my best qualities to gain approval. If I never had the opportunity to goof up and say, “I’m sorry,” how would he know that I’m capable of it?

I bring an honesty and realness to our relationship. Mistakes are seen as opportunities for growth and understanding, rather than signs of things to change. I offer Ted this love and acceptance in return. Over time, perfectionism outstayed its welcome in our relationship. And when it shows up from time to time, awareness and mindfulness helps weaken its efforts.

I hope to bring more of this kindness toward others and me in my new job. I’m a bit nervous about how all this may play out, but hopefully I’ve learned a thing or two in the past couple years.

Is this an experience you relate to in any part of your life? Thoughts, questions, comments? I’d love to hear how this article landed for you.

Sadly, I’ve been mistaking feeling good with feeling whole. As if I’m half a person, broken, unless I feel happy, until I accomplish all my goals. Forgetting that the other side – which rarely feels warm and fuzzy – also offers richness, depth and growth. 

Knowing this, I tried to relish in my anger knowing that it had a juicy fruit to bear. What I soon uncovered was a lack of kindness, a quality I had been using as leverage. A quality I was refusing to give myself until I reached a goal that clearly had a moving finish line.

This morning, I was asked a question. One simple little question. So why was I so livid? I knew my reaction was a bit stronger than warranted. I mean, the question was really just a question.

Courtesy of Migraine Chick on Flickr

But that’s not how I heard it. This one question led to many, completely unassociated questions, all in my own head. I heard a fight unfold with many hurtful, unkind, uncompassionate things being said to me. I heard black and white, wrong and right attitudes toward my life and the decisions I’ve made. I heard judgment in my behavior, in me.

With no room for gray, I defended myself in this fabricated fight. I explained and fought for all the reasons why I do what I do, have done what I’ve done, and continue to make the choices I make.

What I heard were my own judgments toward myself being projected onto another. Why have I not been working fulltime for two years now? Why did I need a break from financially supporting my family? Why have I not been financially supporting my new family more?

Ok, in my own defense, I’m not totally making this sh$# up. I do think this person and many others hold these attitudes. They share the belief that their perception is truth, rather than a result of their own value systems, based on their own experiences. And of course these truths are often skewed to make everything they do appear to be on the “right” side of the world, and everything others do appear to be on the “wrong” side.

Now, there’s a reason I see all this clearly. I too have judged others, as often as I judge myself. Shocking, I know. I guess I’m kinda doing it right now toward those who are not more understanding, particularly when it involves yours truly. But, I digress. 

In defending myself in my imaginary fight, I’m teaching myself to see and appreciate my own gray. Particularly, how terrified I felt having to support my mom and family. To pay for the house and all the bills when my father passed away. How helpless I felt and still feel not being able to fully take care of them. How badly I needed a break from working, from obligations, from expectations to clear my head, to tone down others’ critical words and amplify my own kinder voice. How I’m not on vacation here, rather, I’m working my butt off to nurture my best qualities so I can be a better employee, wife, mother, friend and family member.

Courtesy of kaibara87 on Flickr

The bottom line is that this approval and kindness I seek from others is exactly what I have been withholding from myself. Seeing through their eyes helps me identify my own critical voice and the guilt I feel toward not earning enough money these past two years, not being more financially self-sufficient, not helping out my mom more, etc.

Why do I withhold this kindness from myself? Because I don’t believe I deserve it until I can prove my goodness through the ideal job, weight, income, life, etc. This moving finish line does not produce a feeling of goodness, wholeness or happiness for that matter. It only breeds more judgment through a new list of goals I now need to achieve, unless I learn to be more mindful of this hurtful game.

So, the question that triggered all this obviously wasn’t the problem. It’s that I have kept quiet toward these judgments for too long now. It’s about time I say something to stand up for myself. But, I’m not going to teach them a lesson on how to be kinder to others, or to learn to see the gray. Though, I am going to teach myself how to be kinder and more compassionate toward me. Learning to see, love and appreciate my own gray.

Is this an experience you relate to in any part of your life? Thoughts, questions, comments? I’d love to hear how this article landed for you.

After a moment of daydreaming, my own strengths and traits evaporated in an instant. Triggered by past wounds of rejection, I thought, “I don’t fit in with the cool kids.” Instead of staying in my happy place of possibilities, I began to compare myself to my friend. Flooded with feelings of inadequacy, I focused solely on all the things that I think I’m not. Maybe I should have more experience in this or that, maybe I should be more like my friend.

In this moment I had a choice. Gloss over my feelings and continue to read email or watch a video. Or, dig in and feel what’s going on. Allow myself to explore the past wound underlying this fear and judgment.

Courtesy of Habsfan4life on Flickr

I’m pretty sure I was considered a bit of a “weird” kid growing up. I didn’t feel like I belonged, so I pulled back from those around me, including my friends. I didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin, so I certainly didn’t feel comfortable in the world. I became introverted and painfully shy. I wanted others to approach me because I didn’t think I was worthy of approaching them.

And when the invites to birthday parties, lunch, after-school play dates began to dwindle, I felt so humiliated. I wanted someone to see me and reach out to me, bring me into a group where I could finally lay down my hat and settle in.

Where did I fit in – I wasn’t a jock, cheerleader, nerd, stoner or misfit (have I missed any Breakfast Club characters)? Eventually I discovered that I was quite sensitive, a trait that was embraced by more adults vs. peers. Regardless of being told how great I was, I focused on the rejections – the negative messages that directly and indirectly reinforced to me that I needed to change. 

So, I adopted the message and wronged myself, trying desperately to be more tough, opinionated, calm, cool, collected, whatever was the opposite of “too sensitive,” as I was painfully reminded. I tried to act the part, not knowing at the time that the more I wronged and tried to change myself, the less I would fit into my own skin, let alone within some group at school.

Looking back on my childhood and teenage years, I now see clearly that I felt anxious around others. Years of comparing myself to other people left me feeling like a shell of a person. I began to view certain aspects of my life – those that I judged as less developed – as a culmination of failures rather growing experiences.

So when triggered by insecurity, I revert back to that 6^th grader who was the only kid who didn’t get invited to her classmate’s birthday party. As I thought about working at this cool company with the cool kids, I didn’t believe that they would invite me to the party either. So I cut myself off from daydreaming.

I didn’t believe they’d think I’d fit in because I don’t believe I’d fit in. My insecurity about whether others will think I'm good enough is a mirror into my own bruised ego that doesn't think I'm worthy. I’m not one who didn’t believe I can play with the cool kids, or that I’m smart and unique enough to be accepted. I'm the one who removed and isolated myself, and used introversion as a coping mechanism to hide. And finally, I'm the one who didn’t believe I was okay enough to be invited to the party.

Courtesy of Horia Varlan on Flickr

All these years I’ve been banking on my future heyday. That day where I would feel more appreciated by others, by our culture. I was a rare breed, as I was told, who would have her prime at an older age. Waiting for that day, I hoped that my sensitive being would eventually feel respected and admired instead of ridiculed.

Instead of feeling my painful past at moments of insecurity, I learned to chase adequacy rather than cultivate happiness. I looked for the “perfect” job, body, friends, kitchen knives – whatever the flavor of the day may be – rather than feel my pain and develop a sense of wholeness as I am. All the “when I’s” and “if only I’s” in the world wouldn’t have satisfied my inner perfectionist’s need to feel more complete.

After chasing this ever-elusive approval from others, I’m now hoping to learn to give it to myself.

Is this an experience you relate to in any part of your life? Thoughts, questions, comments? I’d love to hear how this article landed for you.

Lately, I’ve found myself feeling envious of some of my friends. They have what I want – a job they enjoy. On some days, just a job will do. I’ve been organizing and working from home for two years now, which I love for many reasons. But, I really miss working with people and collaborating. And, I miss my previous career (consumer insights and retail development).

As I hear my friends talk about the stimulating work they do and their supportive teams, I’m pained with how much I miss these qualities. I long for the days when I could wrap my arms around a big, strategic project and carry it out through to the end while learning from and working with some smart people in the process.

In contrast, I realize I may have what many of my friends want – a flexible schedule, being my own boss, a job based on a hobby, etc. So, it’s hard for me to admit that I feel envious of a friend, let alone several. I’ve been taught that feeling envy or jealous, or any other “negative” emotion, is bad.

Envy And Gratitude Have A Lot In Common

Based on my Counseling Psychology studies at CIIS, I’m grateful to now have a much more in-depth understanding and appreciation of the full range of our emotions – both “positive” and “negative” – and their usefulness.

Courtesy of David Masters on Flickr

I’m certainly not suggesting that the entire range possible feels super comfortable. Let’s face it, feeling envious or angry can suck. But overall, emotional literacy and normalization are really important to me. After spending most of my life running away from the feelings deemed negative (like envy) and toward the ones that feel positive (like gratitude), I want to embrace and use them all as guides (like GPS) to further my growth. It may not be as obvious as “turn right here,” but it gets much easier once we get the hang of it.

If you’ve grown up in this culture, chances are you know what I’m talking about. We want to feel good all the time. And, we expect to. But sometimes, feeling bad (e.g., envy, anger, frustration, worry, etc.) can be an opportunity to make course-corrective decisions to help get us back to feeling good.

Feelings Are Reflections

Obviously, envy is not a new emotion for me. But it’s a particularly uncomfortable one to feel with friends, whom you love and support – the very people you want to see succeed and be happy. When we don’t feel good, we certainly don’t want to attribute any of it to our friends or loved ones. Or, do we? What if we can learn to see our friends as our ticket to an improved life?

Feeling a difficult emotion, or feeling bad, can reflect something that is not going as we’d expect or like. Relative to my envy, it’s a clue that there is something I want that I don’t yet have. Thankfully, I have people around me who serve as real-life examples to demonstrate what’s possible for me. Through the realization of what is missing in our lives, we gain clarity around what we want. 

Negative emotions also offer an opportunity to clean house. Because they alert you that something is not quite right, you have a chance to explore what this may be. When you allow yourself to dig in, you get to the bottom of what it is that’s been throwing you off kilter. And when you uncover what’s not working, you are presented with an opportunity to clean up this energy by course-correcting.

Where The Trouble Lies

Where we get into trouble is twofold (in my humble opinion, of course). One, when we dwell in our emotions for too long, rather than being galvanized and guided toward a different direction by the hurt. This can lead us to more firmly plant ourselves in the pain and not take advantage of our emotions as a helpful too.

Two, when we don’t understand the difference between feeling an emotion and acting on it. We often mistake anger with lashing out, or resentment with revenge, therefore we either attempt to casually dismiss or repress how we feel. If we ignore or dismiss what we feel, we dismiss what we need and who we are. While we also need others to see ourselves, validating our emotions is an important step to validating ourselves. Feelings we can’t control, but our behavior we can manage.

Use Your Feelings: They’re A Free Gift

Ultimately, it’s not that we don’t want our friends to succeed or be happy. It’s that we’re trying to get clear on what we want to succeed and be happy. We learn about ourselves and what we want in life through our relationships, through the moments that make us feel good and the ones that result in discomfort.

Courtesy of aloshbennett on Flickr

I want to show up to a work environment I love and do great work with great people. And my emotions – positive and negative – are helping me get really clear on what type of work I’d like to do, my ideal work environment and what tools I need to thrive.

I’m not saying this process is easy. But the discomfort we experience when our negative emotions arise has more to do with our resistance to them, rather than the emotions themselves. The more gratitude I feel for this process, the more I embrace all my feelings as a loving guide. The more I embrace my feelings, the easier it gets.

Thoughts, Questions, Comments? I’d love to hear how this article landed for you.