Gratitude And Envy May Be Closer Friends Than We Think

The Embarrassment of Envy

Lately, I’ve found myself feeling envious of some of my friends. They have what I want – a job they enjoy. On some days, just a job will do. I’ve been organizing and working from home for two years now, which I love for many reasons. But, I really miss working with people and collaborating. And, I miss my previous career (consumer insights and retail development).

As I hear my friends talk about the stimulating work they do and their supportive teams, I’m pained with how much I miss these qualities. I long for the days when I could wrap my arms around a big, strategic project and carry it out through to the end while learning from and working with some smart people in the process.

In contrast, I realize I may have what many of my friends want – a flexible schedule, being my own boss, a job based on a hobby, etc. So, it’s hard for me to admit that I feel envious of a friend, let alone several. I’ve been taught that feeling envy or jealous, or any other “negative” emotion, is bad.

Envy And Gratitude Have A Lot In Common

Based on my Counseling Psychology studies at CIIS, I’m grateful to now have a much more in-depth understanding and appreciation of the full range of our emotions – both “positive” and “negative” – and their usefulness.

Courtesy of David Masters on Flickr

I’m certainly not suggesting that the entire range possible feels super comfortable. Let’s face it, feeling envious or angry can suck. But overall, emotional literacy and normalization are really important to me. After spending most of my life running away from the feelings deemed negative (like envy) and toward the ones that feel positive (like gratitude), I want to embrace and use them all as guides (like GPS) to further my growth. It may not be as obvious as “turn right here,” but it gets much easier once we get the hang of it.

If you’ve grown up in this culture, chances are you know what I’m talking about. We want to feel good all the time. And, we expect to. But sometimes, feeling bad (e.g., envy, anger, frustration, worry, etc.) can be an opportunity to make course-corrective decisions to help get us back to feeling good.

Feelings Are Reflections

Obviously, envy is not a new emotion for me. But it’s a particularly uncomfortable one to feel with friends, whom you love and support – the very people you want to see succeed and be happy. When we don’t feel good, we certainly don’t want to attribute any of it to our friends or loved ones. Or, do we? What if we can learn to see our friends as our ticket to an improved life?

Feeling a difficult emotion, or feeling bad, can reflect something that is not going as we’d expect or like. Relative to my envy, it’s a clue that there is something I want that I don’t yet have. Thankfully, I have people around me who serve as real-life examples to demonstrate what’s possible for me. Through the realization of what is missing in our lives, we gain clarity around what we want. 

Negative emotions also offer an opportunity to clean house. Because they alert you that something is not quite right, you have a chance to explore what this may be. When you allow yourself to dig in, you get to the bottom of what it is that’s been throwing you off kilter. And when you uncover what’s not working, you are presented with an opportunity to clean up this energy by course-correcting.

Where The Trouble Lies

Where we get into trouble is twofold (in my humble opinion, of course). One, when we dwell in our emotions for too long, rather than being galvanized and guided toward a different direction by the hurt. This can lead us to more firmly plant ourselves in the pain and not take advantage of our emotions as a helpful too.

Two, when we don’t understand the difference between feeling an emotion and acting on it. We often mistake anger with lashing out, or resentment with revenge, therefore we either attempt to casually dismiss or repress how we feel. If we ignore or dismiss what we feel, we dismiss what we need and who we are. While we also need others to see ourselves, validating our emotions is an important step to validating ourselves. Feelings we can’t control, but our behavior we can manage.

Use Your Feelings: They’re A Free Gift

Ultimately, it’s not that we don’t want our friends to succeed or be happy. It’s that we’re trying to get clear on what we want to succeed and be happy. We learn about ourselves and what we want in life through our relationships, through the moments that make us feel good and the ones that result in discomfort.

Courtesy of aloshbennett on Flickr

I want to show up to a work environment I love and do great work with great people. And my emotions – positive and negative – are helping me get really clear on what type of work I’d like to do, my ideal work environment and what tools I need to thrive.

I’m not saying this process is easy. But the discomfort we experience when our negative emotions arise has more to do with our resistance to them, rather than the emotions themselves. The more gratitude I feel for this process, the more I embrace all my feelings as a loving guide. The more I embrace my feelings, the easier it gets.

Thoughts, Questions, Comments? I’d love to hear how this article landed for you.