Welcome James Varant!

Welcome to the world James! You are unbelievably loved and blessed. Your parents adore you, and so do countless other people in your life. So even when you grow up and are old enough to tell us that we're acting like a-holes, lots of others will probably agree with and support you.

Until then, we hope that you always feel unbelievably loved and blessed. We hope that you carry this with you every day of your life, in both joyous and trying moments. And we hope that you live your life following what feels true and right for you. Hopefully we'll do a decent job in helping to foster your inner compass and knowing.

We love you unconditionally.

Mom & Dad

Desperately Seeking Sleep

I've started several posts this way, but it reeeeaaally has been a long time since I've written. A quick update on my life: I've now been married for nearly four years. We had our first child, James Varant, who is now four months old. And, I'm about to start a new job. It's a pretty great time in my life.

In the 13 months that James has been in my life (yes, I'm counting the nine from pregnancy), I have learned to love more than ever. As a result, I make choices even more consciously. I'm even more aware of how my choices impact him, as well as me and everyone else in my life. I don't always make the "right" choice, but I'm even more open to evaluating what is best and course correcting sooner than later.

What I've realized about being responsible for an infant and beginning to raise a child is that the train is always about to leave the station. And you'd better not only plan to get on board asap, but it's even more helpful to anticipate what is needed before it moves full speed ahead.

Because of this, there aren't many opportunities to slow down and second guess. My instinct is sharpening minute by minute - What does he need right now? Ok, let's do it. Let's get this show on the road.

But that doesn't mean I don't make mistakes. Sometimes minor ones like misreading his signs and leaving him in a poopy diaper too long. Thankfully, he continues to whine until this rookie mom gets the message!

And sometimes the mistakes are a bit more major. Sleep training is what we're currently dealing with. And yes, it feels like a mistake frankly. And now that we're in the thick of it, I'd love to abandon the whole effort, forgetting how miserable I've been for months now due to getting minimal sleep.

When I first heard about letting a chlid cry it out, every inch of my being rejected the idea. There is an actual theory that letting infants cry it out not only doesn't teach them to self-soothe, but it teaches them that their cry will not be responded to. That they learn their needs will not be responded to. As innocent beings who literally can't do anything for themselves, I imagine this can be a frightening experience.

Fast forward four months later. I'm barely sleeping these days. In the early days, I could fall right back asleep, even if I was getting up every one to three hours. But now after months of light sleep, and rarely getting any deep sleep, my body is perpetually on alert and running on adrenaline. Feeding every two to three hours in the middle of the night now often turns into five or six hours of wakefulness.

When your body is running on adrenaline, you can forget about falling right back to sleep. And there's no worse feeling for a sleep deprived new mom than to lose those precious hours of potential sleep. If your child is sleeping and you're not, it feels like a complete waste. It sucks.

So here I am in this predicament and unsure of what to do. My gut tells me to let it run its course. It will all eventually work itself out. That we (me) can't continue this way forever. It will fix itself over time. Right now he needs nurturing and comfort. Once he feels satisfied and trusts that I'll be there for him, he'll eventually wake up less often throughout the night, and we'll all get more sleep.

But this sleep deprived crazy lady just wants this to end as soon as possible. I want sleep damnit! And, I want my child to sleep well too. I start work in two weeks and can't possibly survive on getting just a few hours of sleep every night. I need a solution and I needed it yesterday. And letting him cry for a bit, then soothing him for a bit, then letting him cry some more, soothing him a bit, etc. etc. is a viable option right now.

But...I think I'm most afraid of losing James' trust. We have a beautiful relationship. He grins at me from ear to ear all day long. I can tell that he knows I have his back. And I'm terrified to lose that trust. I'm afraid that he'll view me differently. And my fear completely masked another possibility - that I have many many opportunities to build trust with him, to show him that I will meet his needs. That this is not my only chance to prove that I'm a "good enough" mother. At least that's what I'm telling myself right now. I too am self-soothing.

I know there will be countless more of these dilemmas I will face. Our needs are the same - we both want sleep. But the method we've chosen doesn't necessarily jive with his other needs.  And unfortunately, this is just the beginning. Hopefully our relationship will always bounce back from these tough choices...right?

Is this an experience you relate to in any part of your life? Thoughts, questions, comments? I’d love to hear how this article landed for you.

Ensure Progress Even When Overwhelmed

Do you ever read, watch or hear about something that tickles your fancy, gets you excited, makes you want to run to your computer and get started on whatever idea it is that's been sparked within you? This could be the new blanket you want to knit, research for an upcoming vacation or your passion for cosmetics you can't wait to blog about. And instead of just one simple action you can take toward whatever it is you hope to do, you think of a million things that need to be done asap.

I'm in the middle of a job search and am reading a book I find extremely helpful and inspiring. The problem is that I can't sit still after reading each chapter. Well, I guess it's not entirely a "problem." It's full of ideas which then spark more ideas which then ignite this urgent desire for action on my part.

But then at some point the inspiration turns into overwhelm. The ideas are whirling all around me and I'm not sure where to start or how to begin. I even began making a checklist, breaking down each of the ideas into small, manageable pieces. But now my list is pages long and again, where to start and how to begin?

I definitely have perfectionist tendencies, you think? I rarely want to begin something until it's absolutely perfect, regardless of whether we're talking about the new version of my resume or even developing my checklist. A wise person once told me, that "imperfect action is better than no action." And most often than not, the course becomes much more clear once you put the pen to paper...or your fingers on a keyboard.

Courtesy of blumpy on Flickr

So after a bit of overwhelm, I decided to do one thing that helps me center...read. And soon after, I began to relax, breathe more slowly and remember that the items on the checklist don't have to be checked off all at once. And, the checklist doesn't have to be created and finalized all in one day. Remembering that prioritizing can be done and that "progress, not perfection" (Gabrielle Bernstein) can always be made.

Because of that, this blog post became a satisfying check mark on my list.

Is this an experience you relate to in any part of your life? Thoughts, questions, comments? I’d love to hear how this article landed for you.

Noticing The Voice

I woke up feeling really groggy this morning. And you begin to question this after having about 10 hours sleep. I think it’s mostly hormones that visit for a few days each month. Regardless of the reason, my first response was to judge it.

Obviously sleep, diet and exercise have a lot to do with how well I function each day, but so does my emotional health. And all this judging wasn’t helping any. So let’s add meditation, journaling and a gratitude journal to the mix. Which is exactly what I decided to do.

It was during my meditation that I noticed The Voice, and how I was wronging my sleep habits. Why do I still feel groggy after this much sleep? What is wrong with me? How am I supposed to wake up in the mornings when I begin working full time again? How am I supposed to function all day at work with my sleep habits out of whack?

Talk about The Voice hijacking a potentially peaceful and pleasant morning and turning it into the very thing it says it’s trying to prevent? How could one function well throughout the day with this kind of chatter going on?!

How would one begin to notice what is and isn’t working with all this noise? How would one make room for inquiry, understanding and modification if she’s always first met with judgment? How would one have room to explore herself and her needs if they are always wronged?

My sleep habits may not meet my near future needs as well as I’d like, but they are not wrong. And why set myself up to freak out about something that hasn’t even happened yet? After all the things I’ve addressed in my life, what makes me think I can’t listen to my needs and adjust accordingly when the time comes?

Sadly, I don’t think I always trust myself. And how can I begin to develop a self-trusting relationship if the first step in my process is to freak out, judge and try to change? Instead of learning about my needs, I tried to apply a diet, if you will, to fix my sleep habits.

This is my ingrained or conditioned response to fear. When I begin to feel scared or worried about something, I judge the status quo. When I don’t have enough trust developed in my ability to pay attention to my needs and meet them, I wrong myself. I see that The Voice is trying to protect me. But in doing so, it’s creating another issue I need to deal with – its negative talk. 

Is this an experience you relate to in any part of your life? Thoughts, questions, comments? I’d love to hear how this article landed for you.

Cultivating Wholeness To Weaken Perfection

The Old And New Work Selves

I’m occasionally triggered by a glimpse of my old work self – what The Voice calls “the me” that resided in the corporate world two plus years ago. The Voice – my inner critic, internalized parent or authority figure – that Geneen Roth refers to in Women Food And God judges this old work self harshly. Embarrassed, it suggests that she spoke up too much, didn’t speak up enough, made too many mistakes, procrastinated, didn’t appreciate things enough, didn’t deserve a raise or promotion, was burnt out and jaded.

The Voice doesn’t accept the successes, late nights, sacrifices, hard work, impactful work, connections made and the trust built. It wants me to prove to myself that no remnants of the old, flawed me remain. That I’ve grown up; I’ve changed. And this requires cutting off this old me. Wronging everything I did and was, and starting fresh so that my new work self is able to emerge.

Courtesy of woodleywonderworks on FlickrThe new work self has all the elements of the ideal employee and worker. She is always sharp, intuitive, works smart, does great work, grateful for the opportunities she is given, team player, easily builds strong bonds and is reliable and trustworthy. When triggered, I accept this harsh voice and unreachable standard as my own. 

The Voice’s Job

“My job is here to judge, scrutinize and criticize until you get it right,” it says to me. It’s here to help me survive in an environment that I found overwhelming at times. It’s here to protect me from others who will judge, scrutinize and criticize. From those who never see the relationship between mistakes and successes.

In very simplistic terms, I had two camps of old bosses and supervisors in the past. Those who have inherent trust in others and those who don’t. Those who take “the bad” with the good, or those who only see good or bad.

From the trusters, I got the openness and acceptance I needed to be the real, honest, flawed, beautiful, whole me, full of strengths and weaknesses. I got the green light I needed to know it was ok to bring all of me to the table.

The distrusters or perfectionists probably hated themselves more than hated me or anyone who showed sensitivity or “weakness.” But under extreme stress, I succumbed to their standards of how I should be, think and act. While they wanted to take away my power to feed their own weak self-image, I often gave it up. I defined myself through their eyes. Well, my inner critic did.

Courtesy of Josepher on FlickrThe Argument For “Mistakes”

When objective, many of us realize that “mistakes” are inevitable and even necessary for growth. When I don’t show the whole of me I feel like a farce, a phony, that I’ll be exposed for the weak, imperfect, broken, flawed person that I am. And while trying to hide the worst of me, I also hide the best of me – my ideas, honesty, realness, resourcefulness, etc.

How would my new co-workers appreciate my strengths without seeing my weaknesses? How would they learn to understand when my weaknesses tend to surface if I can’t offer this to myself? How will they (I) know that I’m capable of growing from challenges if I don’t allow these situations to unfold and move through them?

Shining Light On The Voice

Maybe hiding the best of me was also my way of protecting myself? Maybe it was my way of coping with the stress? Maybe I wanted to protect the “good” parts of me that I didn’t want them to touch, to contaminate? Maybe I was protecting me from my own voice? And this was the only way I knew how at the time.

And when I feel triggered, it's a sign that I still worry about succumbing to the box others want me to fit into, the neat little picture of who The Voice thinks I should be. I don’t want to adopt some new perfectionist version of me – the new work self – to replace the old work self because this is the new standard I should be following. The old one didn’t work, but this new one is sure to; it’s fool proof.

Courtesy of zteamie on FlickrEmbracing Wholeness

Regardless of whether I’m at work, at home or with friends, I want to accept all of me. If I tried to be perfect all the time in my marriage, Ted would never see who I really am. I’d never feel fully loved, exposing only my best qualities to gain approval. If I never had the opportunity to goof up and say, “I’m sorry,” how would he know that I’m capable of it?

I bring an honesty and realness to our relationship. Mistakes are seen as opportunities for growth and understanding, rather than signs of things to change. I offer Ted this love and acceptance in return. Over time, perfectionism outstayed its welcome in our relationship. And when it shows up from time to time, awareness and mindfulness helps weaken its efforts.

I hope to bring more of this kindness toward others and me in my new job. I’m a bit nervous about how all this may play out, but hopefully I’ve learned a thing or two in the past couple years.

Is this an experience you relate to in any part of your life? Thoughts, questions, comments? I’d love to hear how this article landed for you.