Lost Lyrics To Popular Rap Song

I got big cheeks I cannot lie
You other mothers can't deny
When a kid walks in with an itty bitty head and round things in your face...you get sprung

-Sir Eatsalot

The Joys & Truth Of Motherhood

I have a few minutes to myself until I wake up James (aka milk monster...kid likes to eat). I opened up my journal to reflect back on the past few months of maternity leave, which are about to come to a close as I start my new job on Monday. I noticed that I hadn't written a single entry since three days before his birth. Where did the time go?!

It has flown by, just as everyone who has experienced this said it would. And thankfully enough women warned me that I took the advice to heart and made the most of my time with James. In fact, we'll be headed to music class again tomorrow, which we both love. Thank you to all the women who gave me a heads up on this!

I think having a child also moves fast because there isn't as much time to stop and reflect. I constantly feel the need to keep moving. The train is always about to leave the station, whether I'm on board or not. And not only do I need to jump on, but it's even more helpful to anticipate where the train might be an hour from now and prepare for that.

I've become much more efficient at taking a minute to reflect, to gut-check, to determine what the best choice might be for him and for me (hopefully these reconcile, but not always). And when I make a choice that doesn't work out so well, I've literally got a minute to think about why it didn't work and determine how to manage it differently moving forward.

In many ways, I've found motherhood to be unbelievably liberating. There just isn't time to stew, dwell, worry too much, etc. All things I've been known to do a bit longer than might be helpful. A good friend (and an amazing mom I know) once mentioned that she felt more free after having her first child. She stopped worrying about what others thought and became less focused on what is outside herself because she just didn't have the time or energy for this any longer. That insight really struck a chord and now comes up daily for me.

Of course prior to having a child, I had a running story that having kids would ruin my life. Thankfully I let go of the oars and am game for the entire experience, whatever that might be minute by minute, because it's been the most wonderful four and a half months of my life. And it hasn't been without it's challenges - I just want to make this abundantly clear for fear of misrepresenting the truth of it all.

I'm also going to share these challenges because 1) it feels good to look at how much I've experienced, yet despite this list I'm happier than I've ever been and 2) I consider it a shout out to all the other mothers out there. Your list may not look exactly like mine, but I know you have one too! 

• I couldn't sit without pain for at least a month - let's just say that pushing for four hours has a major impact
• I didn't drive for weeks as a result
• Hemorrhoids are no joke, people!
• I was afraid to use the restroom (I know I'm not alone here)
• Cracked, bleeding nipples for weeks early on - the joys of learning how to breastfeed
• Engorgement and clogged ducts for weeks - not sure what this means? Imagine walking around with heavy, painful rocks for breasts
• Waking up soaked in milk and sweat...nightly
• D-Mer (Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex) resulting in some crappy feelings at the beginning of breastfeeding - thankfully this only lasts a few minutes
• Nausea before / while breastfedding - again, thankfully temporary
• Minimal sleep for months...still trying to get some!
• Crazy lady on the loose..being angry at the world during middle of the night feeds - entirely due to sleep deprivation, which is apparently a form of torture bestowed upon prisoners of war
• This doesn't even begin to include the list of things James has gone through
• I'm certain there's more, but biology has graciously allowed me to block it out of memory
• And finally, a favorite short story of mine at my six-week post-birth check up: 

I ask the doctor, "Why does it still burn when I pee?" She replies, "Let's take a look...ummm, it's still a bit raw down there. You may want to hold off on sex for another few weeks." I reply, "That isn't going to be a problem."

I don't think I've ever packed this much into just a few short months. Yet somehow it has flown by instead of dragging on. And, has been the most wonderful time of my life. Not quite comparable to the carefree experience of my honeymoon, but equally blissful. You rock, James! Now let your mom and dad get some sleep!

Is this an experience you relate to in any part of your life? Thoughts, questions, comments? I’d love to hear how this article landed for you.

Welcome James Varant!

Welcome to the world James! You are unbelievably loved and blessed. Your parents adore you, and so do countless other people in your life. So even when you grow up and are old enough to tell us that we're acting like a-holes, lots of others will probably agree with and support you.

Until then, we hope that you always feel unbelievably loved and blessed. We hope that you carry this with you every day of your life, in both joyous and trying moments. And we hope that you live your life following what feels true and right for you. Hopefully we'll do a decent job in helping to foster your inner compass and knowing.

We love you unconditionally.

Mom & Dad

Desperately Seeking Sleep

I've started several posts this way, but it reeeeaaally has been a long time since I've written. A quick update on my life: I've now been married for nearly four years. We had our first child, James Varant, who is now four months old. And, I'm about to start a new job. It's a pretty great time in my life.

In the 13 months that James has been in my life (yes, I'm counting the nine from pregnancy), I have learned to love more than ever. As a result, I make choices even more consciously. I'm even more aware of how my choices impact him, as well as me and everyone else in my life. I don't always make the "right" choice, but I'm even more open to evaluating what is best and course correcting sooner than later.

What I've realized about being responsible for an infant and beginning to raise a child is that the train is always about to leave the station. And you'd better not only plan to get on board asap, but it's even more helpful to anticipate what is needed before it moves full speed ahead.

Because of this, there aren't many opportunities to slow down and second guess. My instinct is sharpening minute by minute - What does he need right now? Ok, let's do it. Let's get this show on the road.

But that doesn't mean I don't make mistakes. Sometimes minor ones like misreading his signs and leaving him in a poopy diaper too long. Thankfully, he continues to whine until this rookie mom gets the message!

And sometimes the mistakes are a bit more major. Sleep training is what we're currently dealing with. And yes, it feels like a mistake frankly. And now that we're in the thick of it, I'd love to abandon the whole effort, forgetting how miserable I've been for months now due to getting minimal sleep.

When I first heard about letting a chlid cry it out, every inch of my being rejected the idea. There is an actual theory that letting infants cry it out not only doesn't teach them to self-soothe, but it teaches them that their cry will not be responded to. That they learn their needs will not be responded to. As innocent beings who literally can't do anything for themselves, I imagine this can be a frightening experience.

Fast forward four months later. I'm barely sleeping these days. In the early days, I could fall right back asleep, even if I was getting up every one to three hours. But now after months of light sleep, and rarely getting any deep sleep, my body is perpetually on alert and running on adrenaline. Feeding every two to three hours in the middle of the night now often turns into five or six hours of wakefulness.

When your body is running on adrenaline, you can forget about falling right back to sleep. And there's no worse feeling for a sleep deprived new mom than to lose those precious hours of potential sleep. If your child is sleeping and you're not, it feels like a complete waste. It sucks.

So here I am in this predicament and unsure of what to do. My gut tells me to let it run its course. It will all eventually work itself out. That we (me) can't continue this way forever. It will fix itself over time. Right now he needs nurturing and comfort. Once he feels satisfied and trusts that I'll be there for him, he'll eventually wake up less often throughout the night, and we'll all get more sleep.

But this sleep deprived crazy lady just wants this to end as soon as possible. I want sleep damnit! And, I want my child to sleep well too. I start work in two weeks and can't possibly survive on getting just a few hours of sleep every night. I need a solution and I needed it yesterday. And letting him cry for a bit, then soothing him for a bit, then letting him cry some more, soothing him a bit, etc. etc. is a viable option right now.

But...I think I'm most afraid of losing James' trust. We have a beautiful relationship. He grins at me from ear to ear all day long. I can tell that he knows I have his back. And I'm terrified to lose that trust. I'm afraid that he'll view me differently. And my fear completely masked another possibility - that I have many many opportunities to build trust with him, to show him that I will meet his needs. That this is not my only chance to prove that I'm a "good enough" mother. At least that's what I'm telling myself right now. I too am self-soothing.

I know there will be countless more of these dilemmas I will face. Our needs are the same - we both want sleep. But the method we've chosen doesn't necessarily jive with his other needs.  And unfortunately, this is just the beginning. Hopefully our relationship will always bounce back from these tough choices...right?

Is this an experience you relate to in any part of your life? Thoughts, questions, comments? I’d love to hear how this article landed for you.

Ensure Progress Even When Overwhelmed

Do you ever read, watch or hear about something that tickles your fancy, gets you excited, makes you want to run to your computer and get started on whatever idea it is that's been sparked within you? This could be the new blanket you want to knit, research for an upcoming vacation or your passion for cosmetics you can't wait to blog about. And instead of just one simple action you can take toward whatever it is you hope to do, you think of a million things that need to be done asap.

I'm in the middle of a job search and am reading a book I find extremely helpful and inspiring. The problem is that I can't sit still after reading each chapter. Well, I guess it's not entirely a "problem." It's full of ideas which then spark more ideas which then ignite this urgent desire for action on my part.

But then at some point the inspiration turns into overwhelm. The ideas are whirling all around me and I'm not sure where to start or how to begin. I even began making a checklist, breaking down each of the ideas into small, manageable pieces. But now my list is pages long and again, where to start and how to begin?

I definitely have perfectionist tendencies, you think? I rarely want to begin something until it's absolutely perfect, regardless of whether we're talking about the new version of my resume or even developing my checklist. A wise person once told me, that "imperfect action is better than no action." And most often than not, the course becomes much more clear once you put the pen to paper...or your fingers on a keyboard.

Courtesy of blumpy on Flickr

So after a bit of overwhelm, I decided to do one thing that helps me center...read. And soon after, I began to relax, breathe more slowly and remember that the items on the checklist don't have to be checked off all at once. And, the checklist doesn't have to be created and finalized all in one day. Remembering that prioritizing can be done and that "progress, not perfection" (Gabrielle Bernstein) can always be made.

Because of that, this blog post became a satisfying check mark on my list.

Is this an experience you relate to in any part of your life? Thoughts, questions, comments? I’d love to hear how this article landed for you.